Many issues men deal with didn’t start with us. Our confidence, relationships, and fear of failure issues began with our parents and how they programmed us. You have a decision, however, whether or not you’re going to fix it. Generally, I feel that our parents do the best job they can, but unfortunately, many of the things that shape them into the people they are were passed down from their parents. It’s a vicious cycle, but it’s time to break it.
Understand that sometimes bad things happen to good people. Sometimes we’re collateral damage in other people’s lives. Your parents may not have done any of this on purpose. It’s just because that’s what they had, and the way they raised you was the best job that they could do given their skill set and the damage already done to them. It’s a trickle-down effect, passed down generation to generation. But this can stop with you.
Your parents may have taught you to:
Suppressing your emotions, whether or not they taught you that crying was a weakness or a vulnerability or something shameful, results in exploding or shutting down.
Model toxic relationships. Yelling, screaming, cheating, and arguing all the time becomes a norm, and you may seek it out because that’s what you find comfortable due to your parents. Consider this: you behave a lot because of what you’ve learned. We are sponges when growing up, so if you grew up in a volatile home witnessing toxic behavior, this is your norm.
Not get respect or have boundaries. Parents who walk all over you or treat you poorly often lead to others treating you poorly, including bosses, romantic partners, friends, and so forth. Nobody truly respects you because you never learn to set boundaries for yourself.
Be afraid to fail. Failure is often viewed as something negative and undesirable. Perhaps you got punished for it as a child. Now you don’t even want to try because you think you may fail. You try to stay safe.
Be in survival mode with money. Financial literacy is essential, but you may not know how to manage or understand your finances effectively.
Shame yourself into hating yourself. Did you never feel like you were good enough as a kid? Perhaps your parents always compared you to your siblings. Your self-worth becomes trash because of it.
Not to normalize mental health or talk about what you’re going through. Parents told you to get over it. You struggled in silence and suffered as an adult. You’re pretending everything’s fine when you’re inside. Your upbringing and your past are not your responsibility, but what you choose to do about them and how you live the future are. You need to stop blaming and start building. You deserve to be happy. Get 10% off your first month of therapy with BetterHelp and get matched with a therapist who will listen and help you.
How to rebuild yourself and rewire your brain
- Self-awareness. Write down the messages that you absorbed as a little kid. For instance, you have to be ‘perfect’, you’re ‘too heavy’, you’re ‘too stupid’, or money is ‘bad’. You need to identify patterns, and then you can address and fix them.
- Cut ties with toxic people. These people could be anyone in your life — they are the ones who manipulate, guilt-trip, and control. Stop the cycle. Set firm and rigid boundaries to protect yourself. Make sure when situations arise, you’re able to remove yourself and stop it. It’s incredibly powerful. Chances are, they’ll never acknowledge what they’ve done, but you have to be your priority.
- Reparent yourself. All the things that you didn’t get when you were growing up, you can now give yourself — start giving yourself the love, the support, and more. Take care of yourself: go to the gym, treat yourself well, and be good to yourself. Make sure you have relationships that are nurturing, loving, and uplifting.
- Create a new identity. Determine who you want to become and cultivate this new identity through your actions and habits. Surround yourself with people who support you.
- Associate with men who challenge you. Nothing is going to change who you are in terms of your confidence and self-esteem like being around uplifting men. Find a mentor, a coach, a brotherhood, and purpose-led men. These men will change you faster than anything. Find your tribe.
