I’ve been embarrassed to admit this, but something happened to me when I was 20. I want to share it because it’s the worst-case scenario; it’s what we all fear when we start to have insecurity about relationships. But it’s also worth sharing because it presents the possibility of getting over it.
Once you’re insecure about a relationship, it can become all-consuming if you don’t have the tools to get it in check. You can potentially ruin an amazing relationship. I have used these tools and tricks to prevent relationship insecurity from ruling my relationships.
Tools and tricks to maintain a secure relationship
- Don’t breach trust. Don’t snoop! If you start snooping, it’s like a Pandora’s box that’s been open. Don’t break trust.
- Figure out why you’re insecure. You need to figure out why you’re insecure or even jealous. It could be something that happened in a past relationship, it could be because you feel like you don’t have enough money or something to offer, or it could be because you have a small weiner. You need to identify why you’re feeling the way you do. It can be difficult to pinpoint, so going to therapy is a fantastic tool. Don’t be a victim of your past situations. Take control. Get 10% off your first month of therapy with BetterHelp and get matched with a therapist who will listen and help you.
- Stop trying to read the other person’s mind. You need to ask them if something is bothering them. Hopefully, your relationship is good and healthy, and you can communicate and work through issues but do not pester or try to get a different answer.
- Don’t confuse imagination with reality. Sometimes, if you’re insecure, you build things up in your head and imagine certain things. You can read into things, leading to bad behavior like snooping. Snooping is never acceptable.
- The past doesn’t dictate the future. Just because somebody was crappy to you or cheated on you doesn’t mean that the next person will. Don’t ruin a relationship because of something from the past; don’t accuse them of things and go down the rabbit hole. It’s a slippery slope, especially if you start snooping. It’s a breach of trust and confidence. Once it’s lost, it’s difficult to come back from.
- Don’t allow your gut to rule your emotions or make bad decisions. If something’s not right, ask. Follow up with them, but do not pester them. Do not build up something in your head or make things up that will sabotage your relationship. If you have an issue, fix it to continue with your relationship. Don’t bring it up again. If you later have a fight, don’t bring it up again because that’s unacceptable. It’s dirty fighting. Allow it to be over. If you cannot heal, you need to end the relationship.
- Don’t micromanage. You can’t micromanage somebody because the relationship can’t grow or breathe. You have to allow the person to have friends and do their thing. Do not be consumed with the possibilities or worries. That can eat you alive.
- Make yourself a priority. When we get into relationships, we often become obsessive and focus too much on the relationship or the other person. We need to focus on ourselves so we don’t lose our identity, hobbies, and personal growth. We want to feel still good about ourselves, so we must take care of ourselves and prioritize ourselves. No amount of love will prevent somebody from doing something if they’re broken.
- You can’t prevent things from happening. If they cheat, lie, or leave you, shame on them. If they don’t want to be with you anymore, it’s their problem. No amount of love, caring, or affection can fix a cheater. On the flip side, no amount of attention and love can prevent somebody from doing it. They were pre-designed or hardwired to do that. They have issues they need to deal with and do the deep work. They’re going to seek attention and affection from outside sources constantly. If they don’t want to be with you, let them go. Build a beautiful relationship that’s happy and healthy.
